How I Self Sabotage

Photo by Nick Moore on Unsplash

Self Sabotaging

Last night as I was tossing and turning, something came over me and I realized why is it that I am not meeting my goals.

My Self Sabotaging Struggle

All my life I have  been striving for financial stability. I want to go beyond surviving. I want to thrive. I want to live my life fully without having to worry about how I am going to pay for things.

I can vividly remember many trips and outings I have gone to where I am worried if I am going to be able to afford it.

For example, last year when I went to the Phillipines. Yes I had the airplane ticket but did not have any money to spend while there. Somehow that was resolved because I worked while I was there and got a few divorce cases.

But that fear comes with me almost daily.

But it’s not just money. I have the same issue with my health. I know I need to lose weight and exercise, but everything else I have to do comes first. Particularly the money.

Since I work for myself, if I don’t work I don’t get paid.

This is something that my husband struggles to understand.

He takes days off and expects me to be able to turn off the phone and take the day off with him.  While sometimes I do, I am always stressed thinking that I am missing an opportunity if the phone rings and the caller cannot get a hold of me.

This Lifestyle is Killing Me

This is my first step at figuring out why I am doing this to myself.  So I am going to debrief what are the things I am self sabotaging:

1 – Health

I am not exercising at all.  I started with a 30 day 100 squat challenge. I did it for a week and a half and then stopped. I will restart today but that’s not the point. Will I quit again?

Why am I doing this to myself?

Doing 25 squats 4 times a day does not take a lot of time.

I am such a fool!

I am OBESE. Sixty pounds over the recommended weight for my height. I am bulging in the mid section.

Yet I am not able to be consistent with this simple task. I do not understand myself.

And I know it’s not because I don’t see changes, because I do. My thighs are becoming stronger and even reaquiring a bit of definition. So why I stopped? Maybe I do not love myself enough?

A couple of days ago I saw a video of myself and realized the results of my lifestyle.

I hated it!

Currently I live in stretchy pants. I rarely leave the house. I depend on makeup and doing my hair to boost my confidence. It’s truly sad.


2 – Spiritual Life

I am a believer of Christ and know the fundamentals of my faith. There are things that believers are supposed to do regularly such as congregating, tiding, community, reading the bible and praying.

I do attend service on Sundays and tide. But I do not do community, read the Bible or pray as much as I should.

Particularly the praying. I know I am supposed to pray on a daily basis. My daily routine is supposed to include time to reflect/meditate/pray. I do have time but I many times get distracted with fucking Facebook, YouTube or the news.

After my husband and young children leave to work and school respectively, I have an hour that I have set up to “press the reset button” and get my attitude right to achieve my goals. I have read many books where this is an important step to have the right mindset throughout the day.

But again, I am not consistent.

I am starting to see a pattern here…

3 – Business/Finances

This is a tough one for me.

I recently made the decision to stop doing divorces. My  main website was rented out and just kept a couple of small websites and decided to only do simple divorces.  I had hired a VA to assist me with the cases but she made sooo many mistakes; even though she’s been gone for a month I am still cleaning up the mistakes she made. My reputation suffered and I had to refund some of the funds.

Now on my Mainstream Digital Marketing Agency, I lost the domain because I did not renew on time. I have also lost opportunities because of my lack of follow through.

Currently I have a website customer and working white label for another company as well as the couple of sites I have rented.

I feel overwhelmed with all the things I have to do and I live in fear of not making enough money.

I have been cold emailing for 2 months with no results at all; while some of my peers are finding success I am not finding it.

I don’t know where to find more clients and it’s stressing me out. I also feel like sometimes I am losing closing skills.

4 – Marriage

My marriage is 80% great. Ten percent is hard because of the kids and the other 10% is the bedroom.

The kids are a big issue

He is amazing with the kids most of the time. He makes sure their homework is done, that they read, they get to bed on time and keep their room clean. The bad part is when he gets obsesed over minor things. He goes a few degrees too hot and dose not quit until the child is crying.

I have mentioned this to him so many times but he does not understand what it does to me and the children.

They love and fear him. They forgive him but everytime a burst happens I go back to my childhood. Not a pretty place to be. It takes me back to the time where I felt unprotected, unloved and lonely.

Many times I end up fighting with him, which turns into 2-3 days of him not speaking to me. Locking himself up in the bedroom when he arrives from work, sleeping on his side and not taking the girls to school in the morning.

Basically punishing me for disagreeing with him.

I stay put and act like it does not bother me. I let him be because I know that eventually the wall will come down but it does not solve anything because it’s a vicious cycle.

Thankfully this is happening less and less and I hope one day it pretty much dissapears but the girls are young….

The bedroom is another thing.

We rarely have sex. I think it’s down to once every 2 weeks, sometimes more.

And when it does happen it ends quickly; and surprise, surpise, only one of us finds release…hint it’s not me.

Guessing that I am getting old because it does not bother me at all. I am thinking he is also getting old because he rarely acts like he wants sex anyway.

Perhaps it’s because he knows I am not satisfied. But I also think that we are both bored to death with our sex life.

We both don’t have relationships close enough that we can talk about this with someone else so we bottle it up inside.

Hopefully next week when we go on a weekend getaway we can talk about this issue and come up with a plan to fix it.

I am almost 50 and he is 52; we are too young to live a life without sex. At least I want to think so.

My Self Sabotaging Bucket Has Officially Being Unloaded

Uff, I feel better now than when I started writing this post. There are still fresh tears on the keyboard but they are slowly drying up just like my sorrow.

Now I need to come up with a plan and checkpoints to make sure I am making progress.

First thing I am going to do is open up this post for comments through Facebook. I do want to hear from others as I go through my journey of change.

If I motivate 1 person to improve their life I want to hear about it.

Second, I am going to commit to blogging here at least one a week to analyze what self commitments I am able to keep, which ones I struggled with and what strides I am making.

My Action Plan to Stop the Self Sabotaging

Focus: Health

1 – Do 100 squats and 100 crunches daily and light stretching

Focus: Spiritual

1 – Turn off the TV, phone, etc. during my morning ritual and let my spirit guide me on how to spend this time (praying/meditating/worshiping)

Focus: Business/Finances

1 – Work on reaching out to 10 people daily.

A mix of existing contacts and new contacts daily. I have an old network of people I know that I can touch base with and may not know what I am up to now.

Focus: Marriage

1 – Intimacy

Work towards increasing our sex life to at least once a week. Get myself in the mood and get him in the mood…

This is it!

I am keeping it simple with just one action daily until can master this and then move to bigger goals.

If you are following this journey please comment below. I will respond to every single comment (unless it’s SPAM which then I wish you would just move along).