Photo by Nick Moore on Unsplash
Self Sabotaging
Last night as I was tossing and turning, something came over me and I realized why is it that I am not meeting my goals.
My Self Sabotaging Struggle
All my life I have been striving for financial stability. I want to go beyond surviving. I want to thrive. I want to live my life fully without having to worry about how I am going to pay for things.
I can vividly remember many trips and outings I have gone to where I am worried if I am going to be able to afford it.
For example, last year when I went to the Phillipines. Yes I had the airplane ticket but did not have any money to spend while there. Somehow that was resolved because I worked while I was there and got a few divorce cases.
But that fear comes with me almost daily.
But it’s not just money. I have the same issue with my health. I know I need to lose weight and exercise, but everything else I have to do comes first. Particularly the money.
Since I work for myself, if I don’t work I don’t get paid.
This is something that my husband struggles to understand.
He takes days off and expects me to be able to turn off the phone and take the day off with him. While sometimes I do, I am always stressed thinking that I am missing an opportunity if the phone rings and the caller cannot get a hold of me.
This Lifestyle is Killing Me
This is my first step at figuring out why I am doing this to myself. So I am going to debrief what are the things I am self sabotaging:
1 – Health
I am not exercising at all. I started with a 30 day 100 squat challenge. I did it for a week and a half and then stopped. I will restart today but that’s not the point. Will I quit again?
Why am I doing this to myself?
Doing 25 squats 4 times a day does not take a lot of time.
I am such a fool!
I am OBESE. Sixty pounds over the recommended weight for my height. I am bulging in the mid section.
Yet I am not able to be consistent with this simple task. I do not understand myself.
And I know it’s not because I don’t see changes, because I do. My thighs are becoming stronger and even reaquiring a bit of definition. So why I stopped? Maybe I do not love myself enough?
A couple of days ago I saw a video of myself and realized the results of my lifestyle.
I hated it!
Currently I live in stretchy pants. I rarely leave the house. I depend on makeup and doing my hair to boost my confidence. It’s truly sad.
2 – Spiritual Life
I am a believer of Christ and know the fundamentals of my faith. …