How to Keep Going When Everything Around You is Crumbling
I am writing this article because I have been there. Many people know that when I decided to get divorce I ended up in a shelter with my 4 children. What many do not know is that I had opened up a new business two weeks before I ended up at the shelter.
Caucasian businesswoman with headache
The night I left the house was the night before my first client meeting. Looking back I am not sure how I kept going. I know that some people would have put their projects on hold while going through personal setbacks. There are times that I have done that however this time it was different.
I threw myself into my new business, first because I needed the income, second because I would be dammed if I let my ex win.
Let me explain. I left my ex the night before because he came through the door drunk (nothing new) and started to make fun at my new business. He insisted that I had no ability to make money. That I was a loser and would never make it.
I could not crumble.
I moved on and kept on and pushed through my own conceived barriers and worked so hard that from the first month my business was open I recovered my investment and by the second month it was 80% profit.
I read somewhere that “you can make excuses or money but not both”, and I believe that will all my heart.
So my answer to how to be an entrepreneur while everything around you is crumbling? Keep moving, do you and everything will be alright!
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So he (or she) has been cheating? Believe me, I know exactly how you feel. Been there done that, bought the t-shirt…twice.
The first time the relationship did not survive
The second time the relationship survived and actually trived.
Why some relationships survive cheating while others do not?
The answer is not simple and it’s as varied as there are types of relationships out there. But there are a few things that can be done to figure out if it’s worth it to stay in the relationship or if it’s better for you to leave it behind you.
How you reacted when you found out of the cheating will set the pace
I remember vividly how my blood boiled! I was not only furious but obsessed. I went through all the crisis stages so quickly my head spin, I also became a hound dog and kept digging any information I could about the infidelity. I am not proud of some of the crazy things I did such as activating the GPS on the phones, spying on the text messages and some other crazy shit.
Yep, not proud however I am proud of how I acted when I confronted them. The first time I found out because my own brother told me. To avoid a bigger family issue I was able to come up with a plan to hide that fact and discover the truth.
When I confronted him I fell apart. I told him that I had contracted an STD and that he needed to tell me the truth. I am not proud of how I fell apart but I am proud of never letting him know the involvement of my brother.
He admitted to sleeping with one woman. After a short period of separation (we were in the same house but I slept in our daughter’s room) he got on his hands and knees and cried while telling me “I will never do it again”. Like an idiot I believed him and sure enough he did it again.
Later on I found out that there were many more.
The Second Time I was Cheated On
The second time I was cheated on it was quite different. I did not lose it like I did the first time because the quality of life I lived next to my spouse was much different than my first marriage. I made him a cup of coffee and calmly told him that I knew that he was having an affair and that I was willing to seek couples therapy and figure out why he strayed.
We did and after a few sessions it turned up to be his fear of getting old that prompted him to act out that way. Not cool at all but at least we were able to figure it out and I am happy to say that we have been very happy for years now.
We also attended a marriage retreat which was AMAZING. They are called Worldwide Marriage Encounter and we are forever grateful of the opportunity to grow our intimacy in a supportive environment.
Reconciliation After Cheating is Possible
While I wholeheartedly believe this I also think that re-conciliating is not always the way to go. If he or she says “I am sorry, I won’t do it again”, know that even though it will feel nice to hear it’s never ever enough.
Cheating may be a symptom to something like a personal crisis or not being happy with the relationship or a lack of morals but remember the following advice from yours truly:
1 – Apologies without actions are not enough.
2 – Seek counseling, by yourself or couples therapy may help to find the root cause and figure out how to avoid this from happening again. Also to help you recuperate from the blow cheating does to your feeling of self worth.
3 – Take care of yourself. Your self esteem will suffer a huge blow, and will need time to heal. Surround yourself with uplifting people, music and your church.
Surviving this type of situation will make you stronger. But be smart and walk away if he/she does not open to you and seeks true change. It’s not worth to stay with a cheating spouse if they make you miserable. You are worthy, you are special and you deserve better.
If your spouse does not understand that then it’s his loss.
Children – The best thing I ever got from my divorce
When people spoke about children being the best thing that ever happened to them from their divorce I never understood them.
Let’s be real.
Children are so much work! They are exhausting from the moment they are born. They chew on your breast, then poop something fierce and end up throwing up all over your nicest t-shirt. Many times I have even wondered why God made us the carrier of so much responsibility. Why not men?
Let’s be honest, most men can walk away at any time without thinking twice about their off spring. It’s not “we are pregnant”, is “she is pregnant”. Married or not, a child becomes the primary responsibility of the female.
But we continue to pop kids like candy.
Why are we so Dumb?
It horrifies me every time I see a child of 13-16 years old being pregnant with another child. I have 4 girls aged 20 through 6 years old and I do not know how I would handle any one of them pregnant so young.
But it does not stop there. I also worry about the many women taking the bus everyday, pregnant and pushing a stroller.
You cannot afford a car but you keep getting pregnant! And of course you are getting medicaid, food stamps and probably welfare.
Two scenarios come to mind; your man is not financially stable, or you don’t “have a man”. You had one at one point but he was not the type that sticks around.
Perhaps you missed the day in high school (oh wait, you did go to high school right?) where they showed horny girls and boys how to put a condom on a banana.
My only hope for you is that the sex was worth ruining your life forever.
Your life may not be forever ruined, but will be damn harder than if you chose to avoid getting pregnant.
Why am I being So Hard?
Because while I did not take the bus pregnant while pushing a stroller I was close. My first pregnancy was at 23 years old. I was an exotic dancer (read: stripper) when I met my then boyfriend. He moved in with me quickly and a few months later he was talking marriage. I got excited, started buying the wedding magazines and all. Then I got knocked up and something shifted in me. Two months in my pregnancy and I threw my fiancee out of my house after finding a huge bag of premium weed in his truck.
After the baby I made a different “career choice” and got a job working for a Fortune 500 after much pushing for it (another story altogether) and got off welfare 2 months after my baby was born.
My ex was not there during her birth.
The first time he saw her was at the child support office. She was 3 years old.
Do I regret getting pregnant? Absolutely! It was a stupid mistake. Do I love my child? Absolutely! She is my greatest joy and at 20 a beautiful old soul but I know that she carries a lot of issues probably related to the abandonment of her father, the lack of support and my inexperience.
I think that as women we need to make smarter decisions when it comes to having children. Not only are they annoying they are also expensive and time hoarders. Once you are a mother you are left to the back of the line. Everything else related to our children is more important.
Just recently I saw a post on Facebook by a friend of mine who is a physical trainer (he used to train me), the post was telling women to “put themselves first”; I almost fell off my chair laughing.
First of all he is a guy.
A divorced guy with a child being raised day in and day out by his ex-wife telling me to put myself first. Seriously! I know women that somehow make time for themselves and I envy them (the good kind of envy), I so wish I could that!
I used to take and give bellydance lessons. That was my respite. Unfortunately I got married and before the last bell sounded I stopped bellydancing. I felt that my time was needed at home and at work; but where did that leave me?
Children – The Best Thing I got from My Divorce
Rant over. So I got married when my first child was 5 and had 3 more children with him. Even though I was married I was still single if you know what I mean. I was responsible for working outside the home, food shopping, all school activities, bill paying, nursing, clothes shopping, doctor appointments, school issues, cooking, cleaning, laundry, homework etc.
My husband worked, ate, took a shower and laid down.
Oh wait I forgot he also got drunk, inhaled cocaine and who knows what else.
So now I am a single mother by choice but super happy and content. I work hard to supply for them and while they are a lot of work I would give my life for them and not even blink an eye.
I had a tough childhood but nothing prepared me to what I felt that moment when I knew it was over; meaning my first marriage.
Even though I was raised in an alcoholic house with my stepdad I always believed in the whole romantic scenario we are sold as children. I wanted a marriage that lasted an eternity; the perfect life.
I married my first husband when I was 26 years old. My first born was 4 years old and I was full of dreams and wishes. Even though the signs were all there that I was heading the same direction my mother did when I was young, I proceeded ahead full steam, disregarding the alarms that were ringing loudly in my head.
A few years later things kept getting worse. Our marriage had it’s typical ups and downs but at one point it was hard to know the difference.
The drinking and possible drug use was in charge of the schedule in our home.
Plans we made rarely stuck, while I kept trying to figure out what worked and what did not work. Honestly, I spent 11 years trying to make him stop drinking. This is strange coming from me, as I like to drink socially bu I have never abused him verbally or physically, never. He was everything to me. Even when he verbally abused me in front of others I would be there for him the next day.
I was the perfect victim.
But everything toxic must come to an end and thanks to ALANON I was able to find my strenght, my voice, myself.
That Moment When I knew It Was Over was not over something big. The only insult he gave me was when he told me that I would never be able to be on my own, make my own money and live by myself.
I am not afraid – It was over
That day I left out the door and did not look back.
A few years ago you would hardly hear about anyone getting remarried after a divorce. Today, it’s very common to know a few people that are on their second (sometimes third or higher) marriage.
Personally, I am on my second marriage. Typically I do not think about that too much but going through some of my husband’s old pictures made me reflect on what this means.
I can’t help but feel weird when I look at the pictures of his old family. When we first started dating I accompanied him to his ex-mother in law’s house to pick up boxes of photo albums. These were not regular photo albums. I could tell that his ex-wife took pride in documenting their family life, milestones and celebrations. She indexed, sorted and labeled each album with much more care than I ever had. Suddenly my photo boxes and disorganized Facebook photo albums seemed so inadequate!
Thankfully this feeling was fleeting and I got over it quickly.
But going through them opened up many questions to me as they looked so happy! What went wrong that divorce was the only way to find happiness?
Another time that I felt weird was when his mother sent him a package full of old pictures. She is very tactful and therefore did not include any pictures of his ex-wife however there were several pictures of him during their wedding day.
I can’t help but realize that his ex-wife was a very important part of his life, and I wonder, is our time together also going to be considered special to his family?
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Do not get me wrong, I know my mother in law adores me just like I adore her.
She even traveled from across the globe to come to our wedding and gave an incredible speech at our rehearsal dinner that not only made my day but also to everyone that was there.
When she was done there was not a dry eye in sight.
But I still wonder and can’t help but feel a little bit jealous of his past.
I also have a past but being that my ex was an alcoholic the extended periods of happiness were far in between, versus his marriage where things were really good for a few years – until the children arrived…I will talk about him as a father figure in another post but I will leave it as it has not been easy.
Until my next post XOXO
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I understand that the mere thought or filing for bankruptcy and divorce at about the same time sounds like an overwhelming task but sometimes it’s the best way to deal with some issues that may make the divorce even more unbearable.
Marriage and Debts – Bankruptcy and Divorce
If you think that you and your partner are headed for a possible divorce, and there is a lot of debt between you, it might be a good idea to file for bankruptcy before you begin the divorce process. Filing for bankruptcy will pave the way for the divorce to proceed much smoother because it will let you and your spouse to get rid of some of your debt and to be on your way for a clean break. Even if you are a same sex couple filing for divorce, filing for bankruptcy prior to filing for the dissolution of marriage may alleviate some of the financial complications.
While not all debts can be dismissed with a bankruptcy, at least many of them will be gone and allow you both to negotiate on those that remain. Another option is that only one of you file and your spouse can file for bankruptcy later on down the road, you can be protected because you are going to take care of your debts before the divorce.
The whole bankruptcy and divorce works quite simple. When one or both of you file for bankruptcy, all of the property that has been shared by both of them will become a part of the estate and will then be available to pay for the debts. This will also mean that you have been granted an automatic stay, which means that the creditors can’t hound you for money.
Remember that this stay does not prevent you from getting spouse or child support from your ex.
The next thing that will happen is that the bankruptcy court will decide what shared property is exempt from the bankruptcy, meaning that it cannot be sold in order to pay for your debts. Then, the divorce court can divide that property between you and your ex spouse.
If you are trying to negotiate property settlements, and also going through bankruptcy, you are going to be dealing with very complicated issues. Some of the debts that might be related to a property settlement might not be wiped out during the bankruptcy, so you will still need to pay them.
However, these debts can be wiped out if you can show that you can’t pay the debt and still take care or yourself or your children, or that if you wipe out the debt it is going to be better for you than the harm that would be done to the people that you owe by not paying it. This means that if you think your spouse is going to consider filing for bankruptcy after the divorce is final, you need to make sure that your finances are squared away so that you aren’t going to be faced with any more debts.
Some of the time, finding the right lawyer providing attorney services and the best lawyer administrations is difficult. There are heaps of things that you have to consider. You need to consider the administrations you require and what particular legitimate skill do you require.
Your state laws for getting lawyer administrations are likewise among the central point that should be considered. It is additionally an absolute necessity that you know the definite determinations of the legitimate procedures where you will require lawyer administrations.
Here are some legitimate fields in lawyer administrations to offer you in your choice some assistance with making;
*Immigration lawyer administrations –
On the off chance that your case is identified with migration, you ought to get these administrations. You have to choose whether the movement is vocation based or family-based. Likewise knowing your state laws about movement is essential for this situation.
*DUI lawyer administrations –
In case you’re included in a DUI case, you have to enlist the best lawyers around the local area; or you may wind up doing group benefit or even correctional facility time.
*Social security lawyer administrations –
On the off chance that your issue includes government managed savings issues, for example, restorative protection, you have to get these administrations.
*Criminal guard lawyer administrations –
A decent legitimate firm or lawyer ought to be enlisted for this one.
You have to locate the best administrations nearby so you can move beyond the embarrassment of this problem quick
Whatever among these cases you are in, it is best to recall that you should employ a lawyer who are dependable and genuine in helping you to win your case. All things considered, you are going to pay them and lawyer expenses are generally enormous. Henceforth, it is only astute to get the best from what you will spend for.
Managing Attorney Services Fees
Talking about expenses, these are a piece of enlisting lawyers. You have to pay them so they can give you what you anticipate from them. There are free lawyer administrations however most need you to spend some sum. There are things that you need to consider when managing lawyer charges.
Here are a few;
*What charge courses of action you ought to utilize.
This will depend on upon your situation. You can ask your lawyer on how he or she will charge you.
There 3 essential courses of action for installments;
*Hourly rates – where you need to pay for the lawyer administrations in view of the hours rendered.
*Flat rate – for the most part, this will incorporate out-of-pocket costs spent by the lawyer.
*Contingency charge – this is normally some percent of what you will get from the case. You will discuss this; the amount he or she will get contingent upon the amount you will likewise get.
*What sort of ability is required? At the point when choosing about charges, the things to consider are the sorts or level of aptitude required for the situation. Additionally, the amount of work is to be done ought to be considered.
How to Get the Best Attorney Services?
Being cautious in picking the lawyer you will contract is pivotal. To start with, the accomplishment of the case ordinarily relies on upon how great you are spoken to. Furthermore, second, since you are burning through cash here. You have to get what your cash’s worth. It is best that you just contract a firm or a lawyer who can give you the best lawyer administrations. You might ask your friends or relatives in the event that they have a lawyer to recommend.
A personal attorney referral is something to be thankful for on the grounds that you can make sure that you will get what you and your cash is well spent.
The Pros and Cons of Finding Attorney Services Online
Getting the best attorney can be difficult to us. Where will we search for the best lawyer?
Will we have the capacity to get the best one around? Can we afford to enlist the best? These are only few of the inquiries that frequent us each time we need to search for an attorney online.
What’s more, the most exceedingly terrible thing is that, in the event that we don’t know whether we can believe a lawyer or not. The solution is to arm ourselves with the right data about lawyers and move forward.
Presently, finding a dependable lawyer can be overwhelming. You have to make a few outings and visit a few lawyers’ offices so you can think about on their environment.
In case you cannot visit the attorney you are considering to hire then you can turn to the internet where you can discover real testimonials and reviews about their service.
In any case, you must know about the outcomes of getting a lawyer through the web. Here are a few things which you can consider before choosing to go for an online lawyer ;
The Benefits of Attorney Services Online:
• With online lawyer you’d have the capacity to get law advice at the comfort of your home
• You can start the exchange anyplace and at whatever time you need
• You don’t need to wear preppy and formal garments for meeting with your lawyer
• On the web, you can discover the greatest number of lawyers as you can with only a couple clicks; making you ready to think about numerous options in minutes
• You are not constrained to enlist the lawyer immediately dissimilar to when you’re meeting with them in person. You tend to feel that you are committed to contract him/her since you’ve officially meet him/her in individual.
The Downside of Attorney Services Online:
• The odds of managing misrepresentation lawyers are high
• The dangers of enlisting temperamental lawyers are more prominent than when you know the firm in person
• You are confronted with a great many decisions; henceforth, you have a tendency to get confounded on which lawyer to pick.
• You can’t see whether the lawyer is genuine on helping you or not
There you go; the upsides and downsides of getting a lawyer online. In any case, you comprehend what; you may not encounter the cons of this and still get the best service that you require.
How? Just by being shrewd in the way you pick.
Regardless of where you select to contract a lawyer the best thing to do you is to request referrals.
Yes. Ask your friends or relatives whether they know of law firm that is dependable and can give you the sort of assistance that you require. They might have worked already on a few lawyers with great records and allude them to you.
A divorcing couple stands beside the word Divorce with arms crossed
Something else that you have to consider before contracting a lawyer, whether online or not is to meet with him or her before concluding the arrangement. Along these lines, you can choose whether the lawyer (abogado de divorcio) administrations he or she offered will suit your necessities.
Ultimately, you have to procure lawyers that are specialists looking into it that you require legitimate credentials.
Like, in the event that you have to settle a divorce case, you need to contract somebody who is experienced with divorce cases and can promise you the best services that he or she can offer.
Save Money – As most people know, going through a Florida divorce is not just a difficult time emotionally it can also be a huge strain on finances. Thankfully with a little bit of knowledge and careful planning, you should be able to keep costs to a manageable level and will avoid getting into serious financial difficulty as a result.
If you have already decided or don’t have a choice that a divorce is going ahead, then the first thing to do is to learn about the process. Read about the statutes and laws of the area where you are filing for a divorce. If you have any friends or acquaintances that have gone through something similar, ask them for advice and information. The more basic knowledge you have in the beginning, the more time and money you will save when dealing with professionals.
If there is any litigation involved, things can get very expensive. You should always try to find alternatives to legal disputes, such as mediation or collaborative divorce. If litigation is the only option then make sure you get estimates from your attorney about the likely time and cost of the trial.
Take good advice and trusted recommendations when choosing legal services. For example, using the services of an unsupervised paralegal might save you money initially, but if your case is complex or the paralegal isn’t knowledgeable enough for your needs, then mistakes could be made which will cost you more to correct later on.
If your Florida divorce attorney charges by the hour (which is likely), you will save money by using email or letters rather than phone calls. When you have meetings with your attorney, have a support person attend these meeting with you. Make sure it’s someone who knows you well and who you can trust, so they can help you remember the important questions and pieces of information in case you forget something. They can also help you by remembering what occurs during the meetings, so that if you forget something later then you won’t necessarily have to contact the attorney about it. By the way, you can find a divorce attorney in Florida by going to www.lawyers.com
Here are a few other good tips which might help: ask your attorney to estimate the judge’s decision (this might help you choose a better course of action if possible); have a professional appraise your assets (this will be good for helping you feel organized and should also save time and money); value household items fairly (check online when determining what things are worth); get a second opinion if you think there might be a cheaper or better way of doing something; do not change lawyers unless it’s unavoidable (this will usually end up wasting time and costing more).
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Divorce Attorney – In this important decision of which divorce attorney to choose, you will need to have a few definite ideas about what you want and what you don’t want. There are so many things to consider that it can be overwhelming, but with some basic ground-rules and organization you should be confident you can make the right divorce decision.
First and foremost, you need an attorney who is experienced in family law.
If you can find a board-certified attorney in your area, then he or she will specialize in divorce cases and other associated family issues. They will only be certified if they have plenty of trial experience and have passed a rigorous test. They will also be up to date with continuous training, so their experience will be worth having.
You should hire someone who speaks to you in plain English and help you to understand, not someone who is talking legal or business jargon all the time and not caring about your situation. You will also need to feel you can completely trust this person, as you will be having to share personal issues with them. You should feel comfortable in their presence or when talking on the phone with them. If there are doubts, then keep searching.
If you have young children then find an attorney who will encourage you to put the children’s needs first, instead of encouraging you to pursue unreasonable demands for child support or vindictive child custody and visitation arrangements.
You want your attorney to be a problem solver, good at working with people, good with compromise, and comfortable in court. If you think court is a certainty or a possibility, then don’t assume all lawyers have courtroom experience. Therefore this is something to check. You also want then to be reasonably affordable of course. If you don’t have much money to spend on legal help, you may have to hire a relatively inexperienced lawyer.
New attorneys tend to cost less than those who have been practicing law for years and already have solid reputations. The good news is that working with an up-and-coming or novice attorney can sometimes have a big advantage: If trying to build a good reputation, the attorney may work a little harder for you than a seasoned professional would.
Costs can certainly add up quickly, as depending on where you live the services of a divorce attorney can cost you anything from $100 an hour to more than $600 an hour plus expenses. You will therefore want to have as much knowledge about your situation and about your options before booking long meetings or phone calls, as this will save wasting their (very expensive) time.
If you live in Broward county check out our directory of divorce paralegals here:
All information on this site is provided for informational purposes only and is NOT to be relied upon as legal advice. No attorney-client relationship is established by use of our online legal forms or information given on this site.