Filing for Divorce? What’s Going to be Your Revenge?
Just read an article of this guy that was married and his wife cheated on him. To make a long story short he orchestrated for his wife to leave the house, leave him the children, pay him child support while he is working part-time. Unfortunately he used his daughter as a pawn but who am I to judge? Read the Story HERE
I so wish that I was that crafty when I left my husband. All I could think about was I can’t live under the same roof for one more minute and took my kids into a shelter.
We lived there for 3 months while a judge finally told him to get the fuck out.
Meanwhile I worked on getting my beauty on and become a better version of me. I started seriously exercising, buying better fitting clothes, having my hair done up and even had my girl in tactical-aesthetics make my skin glow.
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During that time I grew as a person exponentially. I opened my own business and learned that I could do life without him.
I have 4 kids and while he told me that no-one would ever want to be with me because I have too much baggage I found someone wonderful that loves me and my “baggage” and treats me extremely well, sometimes better than I deserve.
Filing for divorce can be a painful experience. When you got married, you, no doubt, want to stay together till death do you part. Right now, you are just managing your relationship and wondering if it is the right time to file for divorce. A lot of married couples are in the same situation, but your circumstance may differ from theirs. If it has been on your mind to get a divorce, some concrete indications will give you a clear signal to go ahead. What are they? Let us look at few of them.
Your needs are not being met
When the most basic human needs – physical, emotional, and spiritual – are not being met, it is an indication that it is time to file for divorce. Marriage is a partnership between committed lovers and when one spouse no longer holds this view, it is time for a divorce.
When you think that you’d be better off alone
As your relationship gets old, there will come a time when you start to think that you would be better off alone. However, this is not enough reason to get a divorce. It is only when your marriage has become an unhappy one that it might be time to get a divorce in Florida.
If you are only staying because of the kids
You may want to stay because of your children, but kids are very smart. Do not underestimate their understanding of what is going on. They can sense problem easily, and if you think that you do not want your children to emulate the present happenings in your marriage when they too have their own in future, it might be time for a divorce.
If you are repeatedly being abused
Are you being physical, emotionally, or verbally abused? Maybe, you have tried to reason that thing will change over time and decided to remain in the relationship. But, instead of the situation improving, it is getting worse. This is a clear signal you should file for a divorce.
You no longer trust or respect each other
Any marriage without trust and respect is heading for a disaster. Marriage is supposed to be strong and should be based on trust, understanding and mutual respect. But, when these qualities are no longer there, and you cannot trust your spouse anymore, it may be a sign that it is time to get a divorce.
You are not faithful to your spouse
If you have been cheating on your spouse, and your feelings towards your spouse have changed, it is time to move on.
If you are familiar with this blog you will know that my relationship with my ex husband was at best tumultuous.
While I was madly and sickly in love with him he seemed to be more interested in hanging out with his friends, drinking and inhaling white powder.
So many evenings I spent waiting for him, not knowing if he was coming home for dinner.
Even a phone call saying “I’ll be late” would have been great.
I was not the type to call him on the phone, I’ve never been that type.
In my eyes, a man gets out of work then comes home. If he is going out after work, he comes home, he takes a shower, changes to nice clothes and off he goes….with his wife.
Well, my ex did not understand or want to understand my needs.
But Here Is the Weird Thing
Even after all of the tears and suffering we still flirted for many years after separating and even after our final divorce.
The last time we slept together was the same night I met my now husband.
It was our first date and I just knew that it could go somewhere, I felt it deep in my core that it was time for something new.
My ex had been calling me non-stop during our date. I cut my date short and met him at one of those nasty bars that he hanged out with his friends.
He was alone, we went to one of the worst motels in the area.
It was the best fucking of my life. It was also good bye.
Little did I know that I was going to be engaged 7 months later, to someone who I mattered to and put me ahead of everything and everyone else.
But my ex and I still flirted for about a year.
Why did we flirted?
That’s a great question that I am not sure I will ever have an answer to. I did not like the way he treated me while we were together however after we broke up it was hard to tell him to stop.
After that final night I started dating my now husband and he started dating someone else but he continued trying to flirt with me. Most of the time I did not oblige. Sometimes it felt nice but most of the time I did not flat out reject it because that was the only way that I could get something for the kids. I knew that if I was abrupt with him he would not give me any money for the children.
He was that kind of asshole
Our divorce was final quickly because we did it in mutual agreement and I basically had to give in the fair amount of child support that I was supposed to get as long as he signed the papers. For a similar divorce service check out tampadivorcecenter.us they are highly recommended.
Life is weird and when it comes to emotions you just never know.
How to Keep Going When Everything Around You is Crumbling
I am writing this article because I have been there. Many people know that when I decided to get divorce I ended up in a shelter with my 4 children. What many do not know is that I had opened up a new business two weeks before I ended up at the shelter.
Caucasian businesswoman with headache
The night I left the house was the night before my first client meeting. Looking back I am not sure how I kept going. I know that some people would have put their projects on hold while going through personal setbacks. There are times that I have done that however this time it was different.
I threw myself into my new business, first because I needed the income, second because I would be dammed if I let my ex win.
Let me explain. I left my ex the night before because he came through the door drunk (nothing new) and started to make fun at my new business. He insisted that I had no ability to make money. That I was a loser and would never make it.
I could not crumble.
I moved on and kept on and pushed through my own conceived barriers and worked so hard that from the first month my business was open I recovered my investment and by the second month it was 80% profit.
I read somewhere that “you can make excuses or money but not both”, and I believe that will all my heart.
So my answer to how to be an entrepreneur while everything around you is crumbling? Keep moving, do you and everything will be alright!
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So he (or she) has been cheating? Believe me, I know exactly how you feel. Been there done that, bought the t-shirt…twice.
The first time the relationship did not survive
The second time the relationship survived and actually trived.
Why some relationships survive cheating while others do not?
The answer is not simple and it’s as varied as there are types of relationships out there. But there are a few things that can be done to figure out if it’s worth it to stay in the relationship or if it’s better for you to leave it behind you.
How you reacted when you found out of the cheating will set the pace
I remember vividly how my blood boiled! I was not only furious but obsessed. I went through all the crisis stages so quickly my head spin, I also became a hound dog and kept digging any information I could about the infidelity. I am not proud of some of the crazy things I did such as activating the GPS on the phones, spying on the text messages and some other crazy shit.
Yep, not proud however I am proud of how I acted when I confronted them. The first time I found out because my own brother told me. To avoid a bigger family issue I was able to come up with a plan to hide that fact and discover the truth.
When I confronted him I fell apart. I told him that I had contracted an STD and that he needed to tell me the truth. I am not proud of how I fell apart but I am proud of never letting him know the involvement of my brother.
He admitted to sleeping with one woman. After a short period of separation (we were in the same house but I slept in our daughter’s room) he got on his hands and knees and cried while telling me “I will never do it again”. Like an idiot I believed him and sure enough he did it again.
Later on I found out that there were many more.
The Second Time I was Cheated On
The second time I was cheated on it was quite different. I did not lose it like I did the first time because the quality of life I lived next to my spouse was much different than my first marriage. I made him a cup of coffee and calmly told him that I knew that he was having an affair and that I was willing to seek couples therapy and figure out why he strayed.
We did and after a few sessions it turned up to be his fear of getting old that prompted him to act out that way. Not cool at all but at least we were able to figure it out and I am happy to say that we have been very happy for years now.
We also attended a marriage retreat which was AMAZING. They are called Worldwide Marriage Encounter and we are forever grateful of the opportunity to grow our intimacy in a supportive environment.
Reconciliation After Cheating is Possible
While I wholeheartedly believe this I also think that re-conciliating is not always the way to go. If he or she says “I am sorry, I won’t do it again”, know that even though it will feel nice to hear it’s never ever enough.
Cheating may be a symptom to something like a personal crisis or not being happy with the relationship or a lack of morals but remember the following advice from yours truly:
1 – Apologies without actions are not enough.
2 – Seek counseling, by yourself or couples therapy may help to find the root cause and figure out how to avoid this from happening again. Also to help you recuperate from the blow cheating does to your feeling of self worth.
3 – Take care of yourself. Your self esteem will suffer a huge blow, and will need time to heal. Surround yourself with uplifting people, music and your church.
Surviving this type of situation will make you stronger. But be smart and walk away if he/she does not open to you and seeks true change. It’s not worth to stay with a cheating spouse if they make you miserable. You are worthy, you are special and you deserve better.
If your spouse does not understand that then it’s his loss.
Children – The best thing I ever got from my divorce
When people spoke about children being the best thing that ever happened to them from their divorce I never understood them.
Let’s be real.
Children are so much work! They are exhausting from the moment they are born. They chew on your breast, then poop something fierce and end up throwing up all over your nicest t-shirt. Many times I have even wondered why God made us the carrier of so much responsibility. Why not men?
Let’s be honest, most men can walk away at any time without thinking twice about their off spring. It’s not “we are pregnant”, is “she is pregnant”. Married or not, a child becomes the primary responsibility of the female.
But we continue to pop kids like candy.
Why are we so Dumb?
It horrifies me every time I see a child of 13-16 years old being pregnant with another child. I have 4 girls aged 20 through 6 years old and I do not know how I would handle any one of them pregnant so young.
But it does not stop there. I also worry about the many women taking the bus everyday, pregnant and pushing a stroller.
You cannot afford a car but you keep getting pregnant! And of course you are getting medicaid, food stamps and probably welfare.
Two scenarios come to mind; your man is not financially stable, or you don’t “have a man”. You had one at one point but he was not the type that sticks around.
Perhaps you missed the day in high school (oh wait, you did go to high school right?) where they showed horny girls and boys how to put a condom on a banana.
My only hope for you is that the sex was worth ruining your life forever.
Your life may not be forever ruined, but will be damn harder than if you chose to avoid getting pregnant.
Why am I being So Hard?
Because while I did not take the bus pregnant while pushing a stroller I was close. My first pregnancy was at 23 years old. I was an exotic dancer (read: stripper) when I met my then boyfriend. He moved in with me quickly and a few months later he was talking marriage. I got excited, started buying the wedding magazines and all. Then I got knocked up and something shifted in me. Two months in my pregnancy and I threw my fiancee out of my house after finding a huge bag of premium weed in his truck.
After the baby I made a different “career choice” and got a job working for a Fortune 500 after much pushing for it (another story altogether) and got off welfare 2 months after my baby was born.
My ex was not there during her birth.
The first time he saw her was at the child support office. She was 3 years old.
Do I regret getting pregnant? Absolutely! It was a stupid mistake. Do I love my child? Absolutely! She is my greatest joy and at 20 a beautiful old soul but I know that she carries a lot of issues probably related to the abandonment of her father, the lack of support and my inexperience.
I think that as women we need to make smarter decisions when it comes to having children. Not only are they annoying they are also expensive and time hoarders. Once you are a mother you are left to the back of the line. Everything else related to our children is more important.
Just recently I saw a post on Facebook by a friend of mine who is a physical trainer (he used to train me), the post was telling women to “put themselves first”; I almost fell off my chair laughing.
First of all he is a guy.
A divorced guy with a child being raised day in and day out by his ex-wife telling me to put myself first. Seriously! I know women that somehow make time for themselves and I envy them (the good kind of envy), I so wish I could that!
I used to take and give bellydance lessons. That was my respite. Unfortunately I got married and before the last bell sounded I stopped bellydancing. I felt that my time was needed at home and at work; but where did that leave me?
Children – The Best Thing I got from My Divorce
Rant over. So I got married when my first child was 5 and had 3 more children with him. Even though I was married I was still single if you know what I mean. I was responsible for working outside the home, food shopping, all school activities, bill paying, nursing, clothes shopping, doctor appointments, school issues, cooking, cleaning, laundry, homework etc.
My husband worked, ate, took a shower and laid down.
Oh wait I forgot he also got drunk, inhaled cocaine and who knows what else.
So now I am a single mother by choice but super happy and content. I work hard to supply for them and while they are a lot of work I would give my life for them and not even blink an eye.
I had a tough childhood but nothing prepared me to what I felt that moment when I knew it was over; meaning my first marriage.
Even though I was raised in an alcoholic house with my stepdad I always believed in the whole romantic scenario we are sold as children. I wanted a marriage that lasted an eternity; the perfect life.
I married my first husband when I was 26 years old. My first born was 4 years old and I was full of dreams and wishes. Even though the signs were all there that I was heading the same direction my mother did when I was young, I proceeded ahead full steam, disregarding the alarms that were ringing loudly in my head.
A few years later things kept getting worse. Our marriage had it’s typical ups and downs but at one point it was hard to know the difference.
The drinking and possible drug use was in charge of the schedule in our home.
Plans we made rarely stuck, while I kept trying to figure out what worked and what did not work. Honestly, I spent 11 years trying to make him stop drinking. This is strange coming from me, as I like to drink socially bu I have never abused him verbally or physically, never. He was everything to me. Even when he verbally abused me in front of others I would be there for him the next day.
I was the perfect victim.
But everything toxic must come to an end and thanks to ALANON I was able to find my strenght, my voice, myself.
That Moment When I knew It Was Over was not over something big. The only insult he gave me was when he told me that I would never be able to be on my own, make my own money and live by myself.
I am not afraid – It was over
That day I left out the door and did not look back.
A few years ago you would hardly hear about anyone getting remarried after a divorce. Today, it’s very common to know a few people that are on their second (sometimes third or higher) marriage.
Personally, I am on my second marriage. Typically I do not think about that too much but going through some of my husband’s old pictures made me reflect on what this means.
I can’t help but feel weird when I look at the pictures of his old family. When we first started dating I accompanied him to his ex-mother in law’s house to pick up boxes of photo albums. These were not regular photo albums. I could tell that his ex-wife took pride in documenting their family life, milestones and celebrations. She indexed, sorted and labeled each album with much more care than I ever had. Suddenly my photo boxes and disorganized Facebook photo albums seemed so inadequate!
Thankfully this feeling was fleeting and I got over it quickly.
But going through them opened up many questions to me as they looked so happy! What went wrong that divorce was the only way to find happiness?
Another time that I felt weird was when his mother sent him a package full of old pictures. She is very tactful and therefore did not include any pictures of his ex-wife however there were several pictures of him during their wedding day.
I can’t help but realize that his ex-wife was a very important part of his life, and I wonder, is our time together also going to be considered special to his family?
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Do not get me wrong, I know my mother in law adores me just like I adore her.
She even traveled from across the globe to come to our wedding and gave an incredible speech at our rehearsal dinner that not only made my day but also to everyone that was there.
When she was done there was not a dry eye in sight.
But I still wonder and can’t help but feel a little bit jealous of his past.
I also have a past but being that my ex was an alcoholic the extended periods of happiness were far in between, versus his marriage where things were really good for a few years – until the children arrived…I will talk about him as a father figure in another post but I will leave it as it has not been easy.
Until my next post XOXO
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I understand that the mere thought or filing for bankruptcy and divorce at about the same time sounds like an overwhelming task but sometimes it’s the best way to deal with some issues that may make the divorce even more unbearable.
Marriage and Debts – Bankruptcy and Divorce
If you think that you and your partner are headed for a possible divorce, and there is a lot of debt between you, it might be a good idea to file for bankruptcy before you begin the divorce process. Filing for bankruptcy will pave the way for the divorce to proceed much smoother because it will let you and your spouse to get rid of some of your debt and to be on your way for a clean break. Even if you are a same sex couple filing for divorce, filing for bankruptcy prior to filing for the dissolution of marriage may alleviate some of the financial complications.
While not all debts can be dismissed with a bankruptcy, at least many of them will be gone and allow you both to negotiate on those that remain. Another option is that only one of you file and your spouse can file for bankruptcy later on down the road, you can be protected because you are going to take care of your debts before the divorce.
The whole bankruptcy and divorce works quite simple. When one or both of you file for bankruptcy, all of the property that has been shared by both of them will become a part of the estate and will then be available to pay for the debts. This will also mean that you have been granted an automatic stay, which means that the creditors can’t hound you for money.
Remember that this stay does not prevent you from getting spouse or child support from your ex.
The next thing that will happen is that the bankruptcy court will decide what shared property is exempt from the bankruptcy, meaning that it cannot be sold in order to pay for your debts. Then, the divorce court can divide that property between you and your ex spouse.
If you are trying to negotiate property settlements, and also going through bankruptcy, you are going to be dealing with very complicated issues. Some of the debts that might be related to a property settlement might not be wiped out during the bankruptcy, so you will still need to pay them.
However, these debts can be wiped out if you can show that you can’t pay the debt and still take care or yourself or your children, or that if you wipe out the debt it is going to be better for you than the harm that would be done to the people that you owe by not paying it. This means that if you think your spouse is going to consider filing for bankruptcy after the divorce is final, you need to make sure that your finances are squared away so that you aren’t going to be faced with any more debts.
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