So he (or she) has been cheating? Believe me, I know exactly how you feel. Been there done that, bought the t-shirt…twice.
The first time the relationship did not survive
The second time the relationship survived and actually trived.
Why some relationships survive cheating while others do not?
The answer is not simple and it’s as varied as there are types of relationships out there. But there are a few things that can be done to figure out if it’s worth it to stay in the relationship or if it’s better for you to leave it behind you.
How you reacted when you found out of the cheating will set the pace
I remember vividly how my blood boiled! I was not only furious but obsessed. I went through all the crisis stages so quickly my head spin, I also became a hound dog and kept digging any information I could about the infidelity. I am not proud of some of the crazy things I did such as activating the GPS on the phones, spying on the text messages and some other crazy shit.
Yep, not proud however I am proud of how I acted when I confronted them. The first time I found out because my own brother told me. To avoid a bigger family issue I was able to come up with a plan to hide that fact and discover the truth.
When I confronted him I fell apart. I told him that I had contracted an STD and that he needed to tell me the truth. I am not proud of how I fell apart but I am proud of never letting him know the involvement of my brother.
He admitted to sleeping with one woman. After a short period of separation (we were in the same house but I slept in our daughter’s room) he got on his hands and knees and cried while telling me “I will never do it again”. Like an idiot I believed him and sure enough he did it again.
Later on I found out that there were many more.
The Second Time I was Cheated On
The second time I was cheated on it was quite different. I did not lose it like I did the first time because the quality of life I lived next to my spouse was much different than my first marriage. I made him a cup of coffee and calmly told him that I knew that he was having an affair and that I was willing to seek couples therapy and figure out why he strayed.
We did and after a few sessions it turned up to be his fear of getting old that prompted him to act out that way. Not cool at all but at least we were able to figure it out and I am happy to say that we have been very happy for years now.
We also attended a marriage retreat which was AMAZING. They are called Worldwide Marriage Encounter and we are forever grateful of the opportunity to grow our intimacy in a supportive environment.
Reconciliation After Cheating is Possible
While I wholeheartedly believe this I also think that re-conciliating is not always the way to go. If he or she says “I am sorry, I won’t do it again”, know that even though it will feel nice to hear it’s never ever enough.
Cheating may be a symptom to something like a personal crisis or not being happy with the relationship or a lack of morals but remember the following advice from yours truly:
1 – Apologies without actions are not enough.
2 – Seek counseling, by yourself or couples therapy may help to find the root cause and figure out how to avoid this from happening again
3 – Take care of yourself. Your self esteem will suffer a huge blow, and will need time to heal. Surround yourself with uplifting people, music and your church.
Surviving this type of situation will make you stronger. But be smart and walk away if he/she does not open to you and seeks true change. It’s not worth to stay with a cheating spouse if they make you miserable.